a summary of moffat’s writing:
- it’s the doctor’s darkest hour
- no this is the doctor’s REAL darkest hour
- no no hear me out guys this is the doctor’s darkest hour FOR REAL THIS TIME I SWEAR
- look i know i said the last one was but THIS IS THE DOCTOR’S DARKEST HOUR
- ＴＨＥ ＤＯＣＴＯＲ＇Ｓ ＤＡＲＫＥＳＴ ＨＯＵＲ
If you’ve ever wanted to write like Moffat (don’t we all, he’s so CLEVER), it’s actually very simple. Just follow these simple steps, and in no time, you too can actively shit on, erm, I mean continue the grand tradition of literary and cultural icons.
Writing women is actually very easy, because there are only three types of women in the whole world.
- The Mother. She is wonderful and nuturing, and on rare occasions can be very critical in plot resolutions. If there is even the hint of a child or children in your story, a mother’s love will fix everything. All she has to do is cry, or talk about saving children and that’s enough.
- The Cutey. She’s cute and perky, and that’s all she needs to be. She can also be used for comedic moments when the male lead needs to make a comment about her inappropriate outfit. Sometimes, you can let her say something smart, but not too much, because that would overshadow the brilliance of the male hero.
- The Villian. Not all women are good mothers or look cute in a skirt. Women can be a source of strife for our heroes. Sometimes, you need to mask the villainous intentions of women, so as not to be seen as too sexist. That is easily accomplished by making the woman appear to be independent, but has an undercurrent of disdain for our hero. Remember that our hero should be the centerpiece, and always seen as right and good. Anything that gets in the way of that is a threat and either the plot or the fandom will take care of that threat.
It’s 2014, so of course there are going to be people out in the world who are not heterosexual and we must acknowledge them, because it’s 2014.
- Gay men: Gay men are sassy and fab, but must never be seen having an actual relationship. It’s completely okay to just talk about a gay character having a relationship, but the world isn’t ready to see that relationship in action. Remember keep them sassy and always talking about sex.
- Lesbian women: Sure, they can have relationships with women, but they are just waiting for the right man to come along. Those lesbians don’t know it yet, but they really do want the hero. It’s also okay to have your male hero hit on or try to kiss the lesbian character. It may just turn her, and if it doesn’t that’s okay too because since she doesn’t like men, kissing her isn’t a big deal.
- Bi/Pan sexual: No need to write about them, they are having way too much fun. Unless of course you want to make a plot point that everyone loves the hero.
- Straight: Everyone is straight, unless needed to be otherwise for comedic effect or the fans are breathing down your neck for better representation (*rolls eyes*). However, if you find that your fandom ships two male characters, it’s okay to make jokes and allude to them not being straight, because it’s funny.
Plots and Storyline:
As long as the hero wins in the end, actual plot development and coherency isn’t a priority. Just tell your viewers that they are really smart and CLEVER, and they will happily overlook any holes. Hell, who are we kidding, plot holes don’t exist, it’s just those less than smart viewers who just don’t understand the genius of it all. It doesn’t need to make sense, it just needs to look shiny and pretty. It’s amazing what you can cover up with fancy words, quick shots and explosions.
- CLIFFHANGER! Cliffhangers are good, it keeps the viewers talking and anticipating the resolution in a suspenseful manner. Of course a good writer will tell you that you need a satisfying resolution to the cliffhanger. The truth is you don’t, you can make some off hand comments or jargony speech and let the viewers draw their own conclusions. It’s much better that way, because everyone is just going to complain no matter what, so might as well make it as vague as possible.
- Retconning/History: It’s totally okay to go ahead and change history if it strikes your fancy at the moment. Yes, someone else may have written a story or history, but that doesn’t mean you have to follow it. Nor does it mean that you have to adhere to specific canon rules, just make up your own rules to make your story feel like the most important.